Monday, November 20th, 2006

Goodbye Hospital - Brain Torture about New Master and Love.

Hello my dears!
I am back again. Hope you did not forget me already but hope you did miss me a bit ;-). I missed you all!
Well I am out of hospital and quite happy about that. I still have some broken bones thanks to the accident but that will heal too, so no problem. Hospital was very boring but I could think about many things there, so time was not completely useless. Some time before that accident my old master dumped me,as you all know. I guess all this was just a game for him. He was very childish and I think he did not take it serious at all. Perhaps it was all a childs play for him? His ideas about BDSM were not really mine. I guess we were too different regarding this.
But then, shortly after this, i met someone else. He is so different from my former master. A real gentleman! He is dominant too but you feel that he takes it serious. It is not a game for him. Our ideas about BDSM are so similar. BDSM is not about beating the grap out of a little girl, it is not about just giving pain to a submissive woman and having rough sex. It is about so much more! For me BDSM is about respecting each other. About discipline and loyality and all such things! It is a much higher thing than most people think.
I can’t really describe it, but writing with this man was absolutely wonderful! He was so kind,funny and warm-hearted but still you felt his dominance. He is really perfect, which is making me very nervous and afraid too.
It is hard to explain,we did only write with each other but I really fell in love with him! I ask myself why it did happen so fast but now it happened and I can’t change it. We talked about if I could be his slave too. He wanted a 24/7 too and I would have been too happy to be his. But first he tried to provoke me a bit,he wanted to talk this idea about being a slave out of me. He told me to be careful because for most people BDSM is just about pain. If they would wish they could kill me and I would be helpless. Most people don’t know what real BDSM is so I should be careful. But he could say everything I would still love him and would still hope that he would want me as his slave. I know that he would never be such a cruel man, his ideas and thoughts are about real BDSM not about games.
I was hiding these feelings some time because i thought he would laugh about them, but he wanted me to be always honest. I am, but i think I already hurt him very much because I planned a little suprise for him but did not thought much about it. I just wanted to make a suprise for him.
I am so sorry for all the stupid things with which I surely hurt him. I wish I could turn back time! But it is too late. I can only hope that he will forgive me my stupid mistakes! I hope he will trust me. J, I really love you and I am extremely worried about you! I am sorry if my feelings and words are annoying you. But please accept them.

I love you J!

Hugs Katja

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Goodbye Hospital - Brain Torture about New Master and Love.

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